A new Blog

No matter how many times I’ve said “I’m going to keep at this blogging for sure” or ” this time I won’t miss a day” blah blah blah. I’ve always managed to skimp out on blogging ever since Cheechie died. It really doesn’t have to do with her, but once I stopped, I pretty much stopped for good other than some hiccups here and there. Instead of keeping this blog up and running again, I may just discontinue it altogether and start somewhere new.

I love to write and share my experiences but unfortunately my life in words came to a halt a few months ago. Anyone that was reading this has no idea what’s going on, where I’ am or what’s happened, good and bad since I’ve come back home.

I have a real job now. A good one. I’m a salesperson for Target Mobile. I sell Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile Services. This includes plans, contracts and most importantly the phones.

I love my job. Sales picking up and my comfort with the sales pitch as well as the computer software process are the only things I wish to improve on as the months go by. The number of guests coming into the store period would help the most obviously.

So I don’t know what’s going to happen exactly. Whether I’ll leave this blog for good and at least try to take another stab at it. We’ll see how I feel about it tonight.

What a month!

I haven’t had a day off since January 9th. It’s been a tiring month. Stress had been high but I have had some happy moments as well. I’m working for Target Mobile now. We sell ATT Verizon and T-Mobile phones, plans and services.

This job is great when its busy. I love getting a sale and its the job I have wanted for a long time now. It’s January so sales are medium to none. Soon they’ll pick up and ill be a selling machine. I’m only learning now and things can (hopefully) only get better. Knock on wood.

I have had an iPhone, Blackberry, and Android device in the past two months. I’m going to write a first impression review of the Android (HTC Incredible) today. After a week a full week review will be posted. Hopefully I can get my hands on some serious technology.

Yes u will be reviewing the blackberry 9930 as well as the iPhone 4/4s.

Stay tuned

Car is a no-go

I’ve made the decision to make a better financial choice. Skip getting a car right now even though I need and desire the 2011-2012 Vdub GTI so badly. I’m going to save as much as possible and throw down over 5 grand on it. That will get me lower monthly costs and by that time my credit will be loads better. Just have to work hard and prove to myself that I can achieve anything I truly want.

Everyday Life

No one said everyday life was going to be easy. It was the exact opposite. All I heard in High School and College from my Instructors and Professors over and over again was that life was going to smack us in the face one of these days. As soon as we graduated and as soon as we begin to take responsibility for our actions and so on. I wasn’t able to accept or comprehend what was really being said to be. I took all of it with a grain of salt. So what happened? Life smacked me like 6 times in the face because I just wouldn’t wake up from the dream I thought I was living. It’s sad really, that deaths had to happen, a horrible experience outside of death and losing people that were once close friends. I know its not my fault, but there are many things I could have avoided if I hadn’t been so stubborn.

I sit here now, 22 years old. Working three jobs for no apparent reason other to pay bills that are minuet compared to “real life”. I’m sitting on my couch, depressed, barely eating, losing weight (which gets me even more upset). There’s nothing anyone can do. I couldn’t wait to come back home between September and October. But right now, all I need is me time. I don’t want to have to please anyone but myself. This life of mine is just stressful right now. A lot of it I’ve brought upon myself as I’m trying to bring myself up again.

I’m hopefully buying a new car soon. Within the week that is. My car is breaking down fast. Every day I hope it just crap out on me on the freeway on the way to work. I work from 12-6 today at one job. 6-12 at another. Interesting situation isn’t it. I just need a better life because the one I’m living now is filled with success and money, but not happiness whatsoever. I mean really. Which one matters most.

Feelings. Trains. Music

On the train. Coming from NYC. Still waiting for something to change in my life. A positive one that is. Any negative changes are more than not wanted.

Don’t want to say anything I think will be misconstrued. I just need some sort of change. I still feel empty inside. I need to feel more alive. I couldn’t wait to come back home. Like I’ve said several times before, I’m more than happy to be home. I don’t ever want to go back to the life style I left.

It doesn’t matter to me if I were to leave this country. My motivation has grown. I mean, music just amplifies it. I’m getting a job soon. Whenever it comes through I’ll take it. Hopefully a real job. Dead-end jobs are the furthest thing from my desires. I’m being more serious at the gym. My motivation has grown, and my goals are to be more than I have ever been. Better at everything I’ve ever been. In my relationship with my parents for example. Everything. You have to take advantage of life. Do things that make you happy as much as possible. Work to live, not the other way around. It’s takes quite the experience to take notice how valuable the life you live really is.

But we’re all different too. It’s amazing how lonely you can feel when there are people all around that support and love you. It doesn’t matter how hard they try to make you feel wanted. You still feel completely alone. It’s something you can only bring yourself up from. I guess. I’m trying. But trying just makes me feel worse.

It doesn’t matter how often you’re told or how young you were attempted to be taught that life is a lot harder when you graduate high school. That life isn’t any easier. Being alone really is being all alone. It’s no body’s fault.

Feelings are feelings. And as much as I may say that these feelings are mine. I cannot necessarily claim that they are. Shouldn’t you be able to control what is yours? In some way shape or form? ( don’t immediately start thinking of a man or woman “owning” their spouse, that’s not what I mean. ) you would think that if your feelings were yours, you could change them. Problem? You can’t. Feelings don’t belong to you. They’re not yours. Not mine either. Feelings describe a reaction relative to each and every individual. So the feelings that have [taken over] me, are making my life really difficult to pull through. Either way I’m going to pull through. I’m not going to give up on my life.y reasoning? I know what it’s like to be happy. I want to feel that way again.

Feelings that have pretty much surrounded me have seriously taken to a few conclusions. But I’ll share one in particular. Move away. Change my life up myself. Get away from Long Branch for a while. A new experience in a completely place. Another country. It’s pretty easy for me to do. Just go to Brazil. I have a feeling my life would be tons better. I could stay with my family down there. Find a good job. Get an apartment with my brother. Man I miss him. I’ll meet my nephew. Isabel could come. It’s an idea I’m seriously considering. I just don’t want my parents to be upset about it. I’d miss them so much. But I wouldn’t stay in Brazil long. Plus I’d come up to see them for the holidays.

I can’t keep anything from making me happy. I’m depressed. I need help somehow before I do something stupid. I have God in my life now. I’ve shared that in my blog. I know he’s there. I know he hears my prayers. Sometimes we have to take the initiative though. God gives us the opportunity. It’s up to us to take it.

Hopefully things get better soon. Thank you god for everything by the way. Couldn’t ask for more from you after everything. I love you. Got a lot closer to you in the past month than ever before.

And for anyone reading this thank you too. Readers always welcome.

Throw Some Inspiration This Way

You know what sucks? Trying to write a book. Trying to write a book when you know your words aren’t any better than your average blogger. Or at least don’t give yourself credit after others do. I was never too fond of my own words. I always feel like they’re top notch high school at best. Who knows. I never entered a contest or wrote for the school paper. I’ve never done anything productive with my writing. The longest pieces series of writing I’ve ever done is in my blogs including WordPress.

I’m thinking about it though. Maybe an autobiography? Maybe to someone else my life will sound interesting. I could never write it though. It has to be typed . Not on my iPhone either. I need my blackberry!

Although I’m changing the subject, thee among of this post doesn’t lose any value. I just wanna say that yeah, my iPhones great but blackberry is the best smartphone in terms productivity. I can’t wait to get my hands on one again.

They were right – they as in blackberry folk turned iPhone turned blackberry folk…again – the iPhone craze only lasts a little while. I’m definitely not selling it though. It’s the best all around phone I’ve ever had. It’s an iPhone!

All in all, I can’t stop thinking about a potential book. Whether its read or not. The story will mean something to me. Whether its an autobiography or a simple non-fiction. Man I sure am jealous of Mark Schwahn. He has a spectacular vision. If you watch his show, ” One Tree Hill “, you’ll get what I’m talking about. There are stories within the story. Tons of them at once. Somehow they all come together. They come together in perfect essence. I wish more than anything that I could write and see what he sees. Anything at all that could help me in my writing.

I may write a book one day. I may not. It’s all a dream. Hopefully it happens. Hopefully I get some [positive] inspiration.

Can’t Escape

It’s amazing. I’ve been back home for almost two weeks. I haven’t found work yet. But that’s not what this post is about. I’ve had a dream about Fort Benning GA almost every day since I’ve left. I can’t get away from the place no matter what I do.

I feel like my life won’t ever be the same. I hate pretending everything is ok. It may help make others like my family and Isabel happy but it’s unhealthy for me. I been trying to be the regular me. The person I was before I left. Sometimes I honestly feel like running away. But that sounds a little feminine, or cliche. I want to go somewhere away from everyone. Not because I don’t love them, I do. But I want to be relieved from every kind of pressure. If I could go to a remote place or something, take care of myself for a little while without worrying about life so much. I think I’d get better.

Have to stop fantasizing. It’s never going to happen. It’s amazing. How I only document my life when something negative is going on. I don’t blog this much if at all when things are static or going well.

I need to do something. I need for things to get better. Not so that I stop blogging obviously, but so that I can be happier. I have to get something done to get family members off my back about getting a job. I wish a good opportunity came forward. I really do. I’d love a stay at home job. Blog for a website or something. I think something as simple as that would turn my life around. I’d be doing a job I love. Most importantly it’d be from home, or a coffee shop. How free I would feel would be amazing. I still feel trapped. A part of me still feels like I’m back in GA. The lack of a self-sustaining government is everywhere. Not only where I was. To understand what I’m saying you would have had to be there. Where I was. With my mentality and my understanding of what people are like. Why they’re like that and how different they are from you.

I’m going to try a move forward. It seems almost impossible right now but I haw to try. There’s not much else I can do.